Will It Ever End?

blog post jan 30

Mornings. When you have three or more kids (and 4 pets), it is mayhem, pure and simple. Each day some creature needs attention, does something wrong and I look like a crazed lady with uncombed hair trying to feed, manage and send other people out into the world.

Yes, yes. I have tried all the following:

  1. Up early to have morning coffee, feed myself first, do something productive towards my writing. Plus gotten myself completely ready.
  2. Exercised with gentle yoga and meditation to enter a calm zen-like state before the first animal or child wakes up.
  3. Slept in ensuring a solid 7 hours of sleep and then, rushed alongside my children and pets to get ready.
  4. Tried to stay in bed with the hopes that the days Mr. L works from home – he would completely take over and let me rest a little more that day. (Which has never happened yet!)
  5. Taken deep breaths and tried not to raise my voice while at the same time telling myself, it is not my responsibility to ensure they have water bottles filled IF they have lost all said water bottles or to throw things out of cupboards in some bizarre attempt to ensure they stay hydrated all day. They will find a water fountain.

Some days one of these things may work but most days – nothing works. I still find myself scrambling, coaxing, pleading, begging, shouting and ultimately raising my hands in exasperation as the new kitten knocks over a bucketful of water, one kid has no mittens for winter carnival day and the third has come downstairs with unbrushed hair and clothes that fit her two years ago.

On top of that, usually some of the kids are fighting over something petty and I am again saying “hands off please,” one is in tears because of a bad dream they just remembered or a third is arguing with me that they don’t need to double-check they have proper gym clothes. (Typically she forgets at least one item resulting in the teacher finding me at pick up to tell me she forgot her gym uniform, again). So is it a surprise that I ask myself every morning – will this get better? What is the magic trick to less stressful mornings? In truth, I have tried a lot of things to keep myself and our household calm with  no long-lasting solution.

I have resorted to the hard a$$ mom who says, “If you waste my time in the morning by not being ready to go and I have to help you find a pair of waterproof mittens again, (and by the way you have lost two pairs this year), then the consequence is that I can’t get ready or feed the pets or do the marathon list of things that need to happen before we leave and all of you will be late, again, for school.”

This kind of worked. The kicker – being late stresses all of us out more and makes my whole day start late.  Or it is a bus day and they have to be ready to go by an earlier time that adds a whole other layer of crazy.

So -what is the trick? Is it just a matter of accepting that for now, while they are these ages, it’s just mayhem? That because they are not old enough to let go of all the mom-checks before they leave, (Do you have your homework? Do you have the permission form signed? Do you have your water bottle, gym clothes, indoor running shoes, mittens, coat? You do know it’s -10 degrees celsius outside? We need snow pants.), but old enough to get themselves ready and be responsible for their things this age is more difficult? Add to all of this that we have two dogs and two cats who also want outside, treats and food and need to be crated and contained before we leave unless I want my house totally trashed.

Should I just accept that these mornings, the ones that have all been on me for the last eight years with a growing brood of children, takes a toll and I need to give myself a break? Do I go back to work full-time and hire a morning nanny to help a poor mom out or just grit my teeth and wait out the winter so we can all go back to leaving the house in a t-shirt alleviating some of the pressure?

I have no idea. If you do – let me know.

Otherwise, pass the coffee- the house is now quiet. Today, I may pour a splash of Irish Cream in lieu of milk into my mug.

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Little bit of this, little bit of that..

Good early, early morning!

As I have been squirreled away, typing out dark fiction stories, I realized that this blog is long overdue for an update. In truth, I’ve been struggling. Like so many of us, trying to find the secret mixture to balance children, household, travel, pets, health and of course, my own creative desires. Something had to give, so I apologize for the lack of posts but here’s another confession – I didn’t know what to write.

Being embroiled in fiction writing in 2017 with a mandate to tell as many short stories as possible, I had no ideas left on what to write about from a parenting perspective because in truth, I felt I didn’t have a handle on anything.

I know, I know. None of us do – not really. We pretend and we do our best each day but let’s face it – as these kids get older although some things are much easier – some things are much harder. The stakes are higher. You want to reach them, guide them, mentor them and give them the solid foundation – and they resist. Oh boy, do they resist. So you drink your glass of wine (or martini or tea – whatever your preference), and you realize how mentally drained you are at the end of the day and certain things, like this blog, go by the wayside. Scattered remains leftover by a busy life where we possibly cannot do everything.

And you know what? It’s okay. Blogs, books to read, projects to finish will be here when I have a bit of time or the spark of creativity focuses its lens on something other than monsters under the bed. So, this morning,  I am taking the time from my bed, still in pyjamas with our two dogs keeping my feet warm (oops!) and simply write.

Sparred by a podcast I listen to with sincere awe and dedication every Tuesday and Friday, I started realizing I had something new to say. A parenting challenge the last little while that I could share. That I even had a strategy in place when I wrote it out that I had not even realized. A simple response to For Crying Out Loud‘s last podcast turned into a huge Facebook post because something resonated – how I handle one of my children.

Being a parent of three or more kids – any kids for that matter – requires being part investigator and therapist with a dash of imagination. Each child is unique, there is no one size fits all and you know what? It’s hard. Damn hard to try to tweak your own instincts to suit another human being with their own whole host of personality quirks. But we try to do it – figure out these little human puzzles every single day – why? Because we love our kids and want the best for them.

Here’s my FB post in response to a situation that one of the hosts of FCOL when she described a challenge she was having with her older child. It resonated with me because I heard so many things – the personality, the struggle to reach that child –  that I was like – hell yes! What’s up with these type of kids?

Posted on January 16th – For Crying Out Loud – Reel It In (A closed group for listeners of the show – so go and listen to podcast and then join the conversation.)

Listening to today’s podcast where Stefanie Wilder-Taylor is describing Sadie, she could be describing my middle girl (who is almost 10). I have STRUGGLED with how to reach this bright, artistic kid who is often out-talked and overshadowed by a chatty older sister and charismatic younger brother. I’m slowly figuring it out, for now. I was fighting a losing battle, so here are some tips I am trying:

1) Listen – she often feels no one listens to what she wants.

2) Let her go at her own pace as much as possible.

3) Make deals – she had to take organized ski lessons last year – she hated it although she’s really good. I told her if she finished the session, (I explained how all I wanted was for her to learn basic skills to which she replied, I know enough.) I would not ask her to take lessons again and she could free ski. She went out for the whole two hours just last weekend, on her own, happy as a clam while the other kids were at lessons. She was happier and was skiing.

4) Give her time to think about things. I make suggestions and give her space and time to consider what she wants. Basketball this year, she wanted to go last year, she got frustrated as she was behind other girls but she stuck with it because she had asked for it. This year, I haven’t pushed her into it, I just asked what she wants to do and the date I need to know. She’s thinking and I have to practice patience and respect our agreed upon timeline.

5) It takes time to find a good fit – I have had to accept that the right teacher/coach is key for this type of child. She needs someone to bring her out of her initial shyness. Example: She is an awesome drummer/musician – was ho-hum with last year’s instructor and was unmotivated. (She’s already given up piano due to not liking structure lessons) New teacher the past two weeks and it’s like a light went on. She’s motivated and excited. 

Lastly, keep on telling her I’m on her side – that sometimes I want her to try new things but ultimately I will listen and respect what she wants to do. I found this mindset has helped, she talks more to me about what she wants and has opened up a bit – at this point I’ll take anything she gives as I feel like it’s been a long road to get her to open up and trust we’re all on the same side. If this helps anyone with a kid like this, great. At the very least, I am so glad to hear my kid is not the only one who is like this – sometimes I have no idea what to do with her!!

At the end of crafting this hugely long FB post – unusual for me – I realized maybe I do have something to share and more importantly – some semblance of a plan for my middle child.

Audrey has been brought up before on this blog – for a while I have been frustrated trying to find a way to reach this amazing child, one who remains a bit of mystery to me but who is also a mirror of some of my own inner challenges as a person and a parent. She has taught me patience, to listen and joy because when you reach her and she lets you into her world – a light goes on that makes you feel wonderful.

Do you have a child in your life that you struggle to reach? Love to hear how other parents handle these types of situations and children.