Here is my recent article about our mini trip to Ottawa, ON at SixSuitCaseTravel.
Need to keep the family busy? Why not explore Canada’s Capital and be part of the celebrations?
Here is my recent article about our mini trip to Ottawa, ON at SixSuitCaseTravel.
Need to keep the family busy? Why not explore Canada’s Capital and be part of the celebrations?
Do you give your children an allowance?
This is a topic I have struggled with off and on since my oldest child was about 7 years old.
A bit of background about my situation. It gives my relationship with money some context to the situation I am now in.
Growing up we had a very precarious allowance system. Sometimes we would get it, sometimes not. Depending if there was enough money left over once all the bills were paid and it was tied to completing our chores. Some months, we would get an allowance and then asked for it back to help buy milk at the corner store. There was never any consistency. All allowance stopped when I was old enough to start babysitting and making my own money – around 11 or 12 years old. I never wanted for anything. I had a clothes budget each fall for school and supplies that my parents gave me. But if I wanted extras, I was on my own.
Post childhood, into university. I was left on my own. No sense of how to budget, manage a student loan or credit cards. Just enough sense to know to pay my bills on time and work so I had money.
Money was also a contentious issue with my parents. Bills were always a stress point and money was considered scary. Arguments about money filtered down the vents in whispered arguments at night. So my relationship with money, budgets and allowance has always been
Back to present day, with all of the above in mind and still grasping a bit blindly but not unsuccessfully with budgeting and money – when my eldest child was old enough to start thinking about an allowance, I panicked.
How much, what age and most importantly, how do I start teaching them so they are more educated and better financial planners than I was and am? How can I help them so they have to struggle less and have a healthy relationship with money? I’m still trying to figure it out.
Opinions are plentiful on the subject. From the internet, articles, parenting experts and of course, other parents.
I tried the go-to allowance method at the time with my oldest. I explained about the three planks: save, spend and charity. I opened up a savings account in her name and put in the first $50 dollars.
She was eight years old.
To give her credit, she tried but a few things became clear at once.
The word no was used too in my attempt to teach them they could not get EVERYTHING they wanted. (No. We are buying a birthday present for your friend, you do not need another book today!) But the yes’s and the no’s are evenly matched.
Needless to say, allowances have been inconsistent and I feel and felt like I had failed to start them off on a strong footing with money. Parent fail. The intent to teach is there – but my follow-through needed some work.
I started an allowance with Elizabeth. Stopped when life got busy. Started again with the two younger kids. Stopped again when we moved and life got buys. Started again this year with the youngest being 6 years old, foiled again within two months as work picked up.
Except this time, they are all old enough to realize I stopped.
“Mom! You owe me $11 dollars for this month.” (I took the rule of thumb in most opinions out there, $1/week for each age of the child.)
“Mom, you forgot my allowance again.”
“Mom – buy me this, just take it off my allowance.”
This went on and on, driving me crazy, making me feel guilty that I was failing a major life learing event – until I stopped. Cold turkey. Trying to play catch up and three little voices and amounts owed in my head was giving me a headache and something had to shift. The system I tried so hard to implement that I thought would teach them wonderful things about budget and money – it simply did not work for me.
“No more allowance.” I stated and tried to ignore the slack-jawed mouths open in shock.
“But how are we going to buy a new book this month?”
Hmmm..how about I already buy you a book via Scholastic from school each month so that should be enough and it helps out your classroom?
Then I started asking other parents about the allowance situation. Especially those with three or more children. The more experienced parents laughed.
“Allowance? I can barely keep up with the laundry.”
I asked if they tied allowance to chores. It was a mixed-bag of answers just like any information out in the general public today. But the consensus came back as this:
Yes, allowances are great. For older kids who want more stuff. (10 years old seems to be a general starting point.) Younger kids get what they need and then some. Why do they need to buy more stuff? (In this day and age of gift cards younger children do get opportunities to spend and consider costs. Save any they get for one big shopping trip or reward.)
No, not tied to everyday chores. But sometimes tied to extra work done around the house for older children. Sometimes. The importance of learning how to take care of the house coupled with learning the art of pitching in outweighs any allowance. Why should you pay them for doing what they SHOULD be doing anyway?
Yes, debit accounts for kids are a necessity – once they start working at a part-time job but not before. Savings accounts are a good alternative for those cash-only birthday gifts but only if you want to – not a necessity. Alternatively, keep the cash in a safe place until you are ready to open the account.
Yes, they usually kept back part of a cash gift and put into savings account/safe unless the child requested a big-ticket item. (New iPod or game system.)
All of this information came from other parents I respect who are in the same boat as me. It gave me an out but still – why did the thought of allowances and opening bank accounts make my stomach churn?
The answer – there is so much information out there about what is the right and wrong approach. It is overwhelming, especially for a person who 1) Did not have much guidance growing up on how to handle money. 2) Has a fear around money. 3) Is desperate to do something different or more right with how to approach allowances and money with children.
We all want the best for our children, and sometimes, what works for your family is different from what works for another. Sometimes, there is no money for allowances. And sometimes, it’s just too much work when you have three or more kids.
After much waffling, I decided the best approach was no approach. I cut off the allowances for everyone after I had been asked for the hundredth time when was allowance day coming? If I couldn’t be consistent, than it was best just to stop and take stock of the situation at my own pace.
The children were not happy but in truth, the complaining lasted a day. As I mentioned, it is not like my children are suffering from lack of well, anything.
Instead of focusing on allowance, I decided helping around the house was a bigger mountain to tackle first. Baby steps.
Are allowances gone forever? No. I do see the importance and value of teaching them about budgeting, earning money for a job well done and not to be afraid of it. I started using the term, budget instead of snapping at them when they asked for another small toy that would fill their already full toy bins that money doesn’t grow on trees. Instead I calmly try to say, “Sorry, not in the budget this week.”
And I stopped tying the items they were lucky enough to get each month, (a new pair of shoes they were eyeing, a book, hair accessories), to behaviour. Good behaviour and manners were a necessity, not a bribe. They get stuff when they need stuff or I see something that I think will make their day.
But they are learning too. Along with my new “not in the budget” proclamation, they actually sit and think about the best way to spread out that birthday money or gift card they have received. How much do they want that item if all they have is a set amount and have to wait until their next birthday?
Want to know a great thing I noticed when I took a step back? My kids are generous.
With no probing from me and left to their own devices, if one of them is out of birthday cash on a special trip to the local mall, another will buy them the coveted item. No strings attached.
And these trips to the mall or book store or even time with on iPad to get that app – that IS tied to behaviour. Not the actual thing they covet, not an allowance – but the experience of going out together. I’ve cancelled and drove away from stores or restaurants that we were just about to go in with a shrug and firm parent tone when any kind of established breaking of house rules like respecting each other, hands off and manners is broken. I have also taken them on a spur of the moment when they are behaving well and we have had a relatively stress-free day. (AKA – no one arguing with each other in the back seat of the vehicle.)
Dumping the allowance discussion allowed me to really address other things first. How to treat each other. Manners. Responsibility for your own things. Expectations around household chores and pitching in. I also got to see them start to budget in their heads, really think about what they wanted because there was no regular influx of cash each month. Lastly, I am starting to see the natural charitable side of my children. Towards each other or when my eldest pulls out a five dollar bill of her own money for a homeless person.
Are these not the very lessons an allowance is supposed to teach?
We will circle around, now that other work is going well and the time will come to address an allowance. But instead of an all in one approach – I think tying to their age makes the most sense and is less overwhelming for a parent.
Elizabeth is now 11 years old. She is ready to start with a more regular allowance as she begins to want to hang out with friends on her own or really wants that particular piece of clothing or book. I figure by the time she is 12 years old, we will have a regular allowance system in place to set her up for those teenage years. The other ones will have their turn when it’s time.
The difference now? Me. I can take my time and teach instead of rushing to do it the “right way” and in my opinion, way to early. Introducing an allowance systems at an age-appropriate level with a person who is beginning to understand the world is bigger than our family makes the most sense to me.
And I’ll do it again and again with each child as they hit a milestone birthday but this time – it will be done right.
How do you manage allowance with your family?
For the last few months I have been fortunate to have the opportunity to write guest articles for www.sixsuitcasetravel.com. An informative website about traveling with your large family and a great resource I have used for a few years.
My latest article was about our trip to The Poconos a few years ago.
To read the article you can find it here:
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‘A house guest,’ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.” Erma Bombeck
Brewing beneath the surface of most households is the inevitable and quiet resentment of parenthood. Knowing that you are required to take on task after task, giving away your time and space because “that’s your job” is a really, really hard thing to do. You know you need to teach your kids life skills, but honestly, after a long day of work and negotiations about well, everything, that last thing you want to do is manage and argue about household chores. So, good intentions and important lessons on responsibility go by the wayside.
But what then happens to the parent(s)? Burn out and then, burn out turns to anger and in the end, we find ourselves in a crazed state shouting at the sky wondering why no one will help us. Well let’s be frank, a lot of the time it’s because we didn’t ask for it in the first place.
We’ve all been there. We want to provide a safe and organized home for our children. We unselfishly want to make it easier for them and encourage them to do the things we did not always get a chance to do. We want school to be a priority and for them to reach their full potential. We want them in bed at a decent time. (‘Cause you know it’s wine-o’clock!) But in reality, the cost can be too high. At least for me it has been. I was tired. Very tired.
So, I regrouped. Took a nice, long break and started asking some hard questions. What could I do differently moving forward to make long-lasting significant changes? Consistency. Instead of letting the wind decide what chores or responsibilities my children have, I wanted a regular schedule. I wanted more help around the house. Plain and simple. My molly maid days were over, and I told them so, again. But this time I meant it.
The most important thing to make this a success was letting go and then, choosing the things that mattered the least to me. Dishes. Laundry. I don’t care how or when they get done as long as they get done by the end of the day. These chores are low stake tasks that will teach my whole family life skills, responsibilities and give me a break to go and read that People magazine. (Or write this blog!)
So we started this new reality a few weeks ago, but at a snail’s pace. First, I stopped micromanaging their homework. Of course I help them when asked and still ask everyday, “What homework is there tonight?” But I took a step back, a huge step.
When you have three or more kids, you can’t be a homework coach to all of them at the same level. I have to decide who needs me most in what way and let the rest go. My 5th grade student is going to have to start figuring some stuff out on her own and managing her own time so I can focus on a fundamental skill like reading with my 1st grader. And thank goodness my 3rd grade student seems to have a teacher who does not give homework, at least that’s what she tells me.
Next on the list, dishes. Some people like doing dishes. I do not so the kids can do them. After all, I have six little hands that can put a dish away, load the dishes, wipe sinks and vacuum floors.
Next? Laundry. For the last year they each have to put their clothes away. I leave a basket of freshly laundered and folded clothes each weekend and don’t look back, at least until I need the basket back. It is time to up the stakes and teach them how to use the washing machine and dryer. Maybe they will learn to really consider if something is dirty or not once they start seeing the huge piles of clothes.
And last for this crazy new world, dinner preparation. One night a week if I have to eat hot dogs and nacho chips with melted cheese and sour cream that they made – then so be it. At least they are learning to prepare something, use the appliances and set up dinner at the table. Although I will be encouraging them to think about nutrition moving forward and include a vegetable with every meal.
The research backs this philosophy up, time and time again the benefit of children doing chores outweighs anything else. After all, are we not supposed to be raising competent, capable adults? Chores and sharing the household responsibilities can be the stepping stones for other things. Doing chores as a family increases time spent together and provides children a sense of pride that they helped out, at any age.
Now, my children have had their certain “chores” over the years. Once a week room tidy up. Putting laundry away. Bring garbage bins in. Feed the pets. Other chores too as asked. But as of yet, we have not set a serious schedule that will really help me out. It’s been a kind of ad-hoc system where I still end up doing the majority of things around the house.
The first week was a bit rough. Remember, my children are older so resistance was expected, especially with the older two. I tried to carve out time for me to “take breaks,” and keep myself together because (and let’s be honest here) it’s hard to be the bad guy.
The second week has been a bit easier. I pinned a rough outline of the chores expected on the fridge, let them know that chores may shift as things come up (as in life it does) but the plan was to be followed the best we could.
Now, I had to let stuff go. A load of laundry sat unfolded for a couple of days, we ate hot dogs for dinner and I bit my tongue as I wiped up the puddles of water on the cupboards. I also had to endure whining, eye-rolling and complaining. But I did it. You know what, this may actually work if I stick with it. This past weekend as we all did chores Saturday morning, well it went a bit quicker and I was met with a bit less resistance. Progress. It’s all a parent can ask for some days.
How long does it take to break a habit? 66 days seems to be the most recent consensus. So I figure with a family of five, breaking bad habits and replacing them with new ones will take 3 months. So I’m setting a goal date of August 22, 2017. A little longer than the norm but with summer, change of schedule and let’s face it, a large family to re-train, I think it is realistic.
Wish me luck and I will post results the week of August 21, 2017.
Gray and rainy days of spring are perfect for thinking back over the past few months. It is also that time when parents give collective sighs of relief when, at last, the weather turns and we can gently nudge our children outside to play. If you are a lucky, you’ve reached that sweet spot where your kids can be outside playing in your backyard, street or even better, neighbour’s yard, with minor supervision. If you are not there yet, well, you will be.
For me, the beginning of April is a time to reflect, renew and plan. I survived holiday season, birthday season and March Break. There are a few challenges along the way, but one thing we did this year that was different were birthdays.
To recap, we moved out of suburbia last summer. Life is different when you live rural. Playdates are sparser, birthday parties are ordeals in logistics with most being held in homes. My girls have not quite yet made the social connections to have sleepover birthday parties with their classmates and still pine for their old friends. I also have birthday season starting right after Christmas and go to the end of February and then March Break hits. (To note, not just my children’s birthdays. Mr. L’s birthday, my sister’s birthday and my Mom’s birthday.)
The weeks between December – March are often like parenting boot camp. I’m not kidding. If anyone wants to some real-life experience what having 3 kids is like, be my assistant next year. Come see what life is like with three or more kids during Christmas, Hanukkah, birthday season and March Break. It can be great fun, and exhausting.
I am also birthday-partied out. For the last eleven years I have coordinated: full-class indoor birthday parties, outings, theme birthday parties, favourite cartoon character meet and greet parties, sleepover, tea parties, art parties, movie parties, surprise parties, family parties combined with holiday gatherings and I’m sure there are a few more. I am on auto-pilot when it comes to coordinating all the details and the same spreadsheet is used for all birthday planning.
Planning typically starts mid-November for the upcoming season. If I lived in another era, it is almost like every year, the kids have a “coming out” party schedule. Besides coordinating schoolmates for any celebrations, there is family to consider. Now that we have moved further away, this is a challenge.
Not to speak of the cost. I always try to have a budget for each child, but as it goes things get added and life happens. Remember, Hanukkah and Christmas fall in there too. Before you know it, you close your eyes, cross your fingers and hope it all works out in the end.
This year, Mr. L and I took stock.
So the decision became easy that we pitched to the kids. A family trip in lieu of birthday presents or parties this year. The girls were all in, old enough to understand the birthday parties of the past were pleasant memories and staying at home would be a reminder that they were not with their oldest friends. Jacob, being in first grade, was a little harder to convince.
We had unintentionally put a pattern into place with Elizabeth. One large all-class party (usually in kindergarten) and then dwindling numbers until Grade 4 when it would be down to a few close friends. Both the girls had gone through this pattern. Jacob had not. He got his all-class kindergarten party last year complete with Iron Man. But to go from that to no party at all, well, his face said it all.
So we relented and planned like mad to have his birthday party with one caveat, it had to be outside of the home. His birthday is right after Christmas, two days to be exact. I could not wrap my head around hosting Christmas and New Year’s with family and then planning for a birthday party in our home.
Jacob chose a bowling party. Considering the lack of indoor birthday party spaces in the area and availability during the holiday break, it was an easy one to plan. His class this year is also only 12 kids so that seemed a reasonable amount. (For reference, his kindergarten class last year had been 24 children.) Except, unbeknownst to me unlike the suburbs, siblings come along to birthday parties. The time commitment to drive to the bowling alley in the nearest town means that parties are family affairs. So our little party of 12 kids ended up being closer to 20 kids. Not too big of a deal as being held during the holidays meant that some of his classmates could not attend anyway.
Around this time, we also booked our family birthday celebration, a cruise the week of the girl’s birthdays in February.
Post birthday party, holidays and back to school, the cruise seemed ideal. It was for the most part. Weather was great. We made sure to try to celebrate each special day and the crew decorated our state rooms. Docked for their actual birthday meant they got to choose a family activity for the day. We had a great time exploring underground caves and relaxing by the pool.
But sitting here on a damp cold April morning I have to wonder was all the cost and planning worth it?
There were great times and not so great times as there always is when you travel with kids. The dining room staff were on top of things. They brought cakes and sang for each girl on their respective days. Even Jacob got a birthday cake in honour of his birthday back in December. We spent time together and got some sun on our faces.
The cost was certainly more compared to having two smaller parties and three presents, but it was also a trip full of experiences. Of course I had small gifts for each girl to open on their morning, but we also went that extra mile and booked a very fun but expensive excursion for Elizabeth’s birthday. Another experience. Our kids have way too much stuff anyway, why do they need more?
In the end, I don’t think the girls liked not having parties this year. It took some of the pressure off them and us. Would we do it again? Maybe.
As kids get older, birthdays shift from huge all-class parties to smaller gatherings or maybe no gathering at all. It doesn’t have to be a birthday to have a sleepover with friends or family come to visit. I think ensuring your child feels celebrated and special is all that matters. Our kids weren’t happier with large or small birthday parties or even no party at all. They just wanted the day to be about them.
The real question becomes, are you having the party for your child, yourself or their friends? It is tricky because we all want our children to have fun, make memories and feel special. Having done it all, it does not matter. If you are not the kind of parents who want to host a birthday party. Don’t. Go out and invite a group of friends to join you. Or having a small family dinner with a favourite meal. That may be just what your busy family needs. Even take a trip all together or just do something special for the day.
When I was a kid, my Mom used to pull us each out of school on our birthdays and we spent the day with her doing whatever we wanted and eating whatever we wanted. It felt special. We also had parties and sleepovers but I remember no matter what, we got that one great day.
Ultimately, I don’t think it matters what kind of party or event you have for children’s birthdays. From my experience, as long as your children know that for one day they have your undivided attention, to is good enough.
Now, are birthday parties a thing of the past for our family? No.
Elizabeth turns 12 next year and with that comes the possibility of a Bat Mitzvah. Mr. L (the Jewish contingent of our household) wants each child to experience this traditional coming of age party. I think this is a gray area, tradition coupled with what the parents think is best versus what the child may really want.
What if Elizabeth doesn’t want a huge party? What if she simply wants to spend a night in Toronto and see her best friend? Each child is different and we will have to consider what they want too as each birthday season arrives.
But who are we kidding? When we asked her about her 12th birthday and mentioned a huge Bat Mitzvah, of course she wants the party. She is that kind of kid.
Now, try planning a Bat Mitzvah with family and friends who are spread across the province in a rural part of Ontario, in February.
Yes, yes. It has been a long while since I paid any attention to this little blog. I do have my reasons.
Nonetheless, I also wasn’t sure if I had anything of value to share on parenting three or more kids that I haven’t either already wrote about or was written about in the general blog, Facebook, Twitter space. After all, I’m just one mom in a million who have multiple kids and I struggle with time management, to-do lists and priorities just like everyone else.
I also had to take a step back, is it really different having one versus two versus three or more children? I think so, but maybe it’s just because I’m not great at the juggling act as others. Of perhaps it’s because I feel guilty that I find managing three little people at times, challenging and unrewarding. Maybe it’s because I just turned forty and I’m tired. Or finally, is it simply that this is my reality so I think having three kids is unique or different in some ways and I tell myself I deserve a space to vent so I don’t go out of my mind. Who really knows? Not me. It could be all of it or none of it.
But now that I’m here, I have noticed that spending the last few months having little bits of time with one or only two of my adorable munchkins, it seemed, well easier. A breath of fresh air. This small thing along with discussions with others about kids made me realize something. Having kids is hard. Having more than one kid is hard. Having three or more is crazy. Crazy fun sometimes, but crazy.
This fall, I’ve been dealing with a lot of emotional management. Sometimes I do okay and other times I fail, big time. I find having kids that sponge off me physically and emotionally although necessary and wonderfully empowering as a mom who tries to be there for them that they take my advice, hugs and want me there is not so great for me as an individual who requires some personal space and time. The whole thing is sometimes very draining.
But, we have had a lot going on and they have required more attention than normal. We moved. Across the province. Away from our support systems, friends and schools. Big picture it makes sense for us. After all, this was not an easy or whimsical decision but a well thought out, hard one. Regardless, the last few months have been an emotional roller coaster for us and the kids. Happy one minute, enjoying their new home and exploring the area with unbridled passion all seems wonderful. Then, in a snap they can be in tears. Homesick for what they know, friends they used to see everyday. So much so that it tugs at our heart strings and we wonder if we robbed them of their idyllic childhood.
I almost wonder sometimes as a parent of three or more kids, do they secretly strategize out a plan to keep me on my parenting toes? To see how much I can stretch as a mom?
This past week or so, just as I finished dispensing hugs and encouragement to my almost eleven year old, told her that she will indeed find new friends in her new school, the next day my eight year old starts to well up, her eyes full of tears as we leave a playdate back in our old town and wham! I’m back in the therapist chair. The house of cards is starting to fall.
Then, (oh yes..not done), I get her calmed and excited about seeing her new friend at school the next day when the next day wham! My little man, the five year old, breaks my heart when he draws a picture of two very sad stick people, separated by a line. With crocodile tears running down his face he sputtered,
“It’s me and P. Separated forever.” (P was his very good friend from SK last year who we haven’t yet visited since we moved this past summer, although they’ve exchanged a few letters only the way five year old boys can.)
The house of cards is down. Something has been triggered in all three of them. Maybe an unseen hand knocked my thriving kids backwards and I was back to square one. At least it wasn’t all at once, someone had the foresight to only give me as much as I could handle. One emotional tailspin at a time.
I picked Jacob up, he sobbed onto my shoulder and part of me wondered at the sensitive nature of my usually happy-go-lucky man. (I secretly hope he maintains this side of himself and doesn’t hide it away. ) In this moment, although he needed me both physically and emotionally, I had to reach over to stir the taco meat on the stovetop. I rocked him back and forth and told him it was okay to be sad. For on this night, I also have a starving and cranky tween daughter who kept hollering that I can’t expect perfection from her, a reaction because I made her rewrite her messy assignment. I bit my lip and looked longingly at the glass of untouched red wine on the counter. It had to wait. At least the eight year old seemed content today.
The house of cards is down and I woke up today and started to rebuild. Because that’s what we do. Thankfully, all three of them are seemingly better this morning after a week of roller coaster emotions, the only thing I can think is thank goodness it wasn’t all at the same time.
But it never ends, not really. There will always be one of them out of sorts. Always. For that is life as we know it and I think I’ve learned to accept that. It’s part of the deal being a parent to three or more kids, the difference if you will between having one or two or three or more kids. You oftentimes will have a fire to put out, a flare-up to manage or a full out storm so intense it takes your breath away, there are no real breaks in between. And perhaps that is what I can offer; how to survive the constant barrage on your own self. I can offer strategies to cope, suggest how to be kind to yourself and most importantly be someone who can empathize when you say, I have three or more kids. For I get it. I really do.
So for today, for all those parents who throw up your hands and ask will I have a day where there isn’t any drama from one of my multiple children? My answer is yes, yes you will. It may not be a whole day, it may be an hour, but take it. Grab tight and do something you love. For me, it was yoga first thing this morning. It calmed me. Maybe I’ll get to do it again this week, maybe, if I’m not busy with the hose.
Bit by bit we are settling into our new digs, but it will be a long process as the five of us, plus Chip the Labradoodle and Sally the Cat, as urbanized as the rest of us, get used to country life.
Back up. What?
Yes, this urban mom, along with her even more urban husband and three children up and moved to the country a month ago. Crazy? Perhaps. But so far we’re enjoying it.
I won’t get into the whole backstory here, you can check out those details at my other site, www.smalltowngal.com where I am capturing our journey and acclimatization to the country.
As part of a way to de-stress over the past few months of packing, moving, boxes, end of school, I listened to podcasts. At first it was just a few and then I got finger happy and downloaded a whole slew of podcasts on parenting, short stories, current events, all things I could play in the background as I drove from place to place and packed up my house.
Now, living a more rural lifestyle, the trips in the vehicle are longer with kids in tow, (shockingly not enrolled in camps this summer as I had no idea about the landscape here), so my podcast listening is reduced to Story Pirates and other kid-related podcasts. Until a couple of days ago.
Having found a reliable babysitter and knowing my kids were bored to tears with my company, I took advantage and started having her babysit at least once a week so I could run into town. You see, errands that used to be quick jaunts to the grocery store have been replaced with planned errand days that take double the time. The kids are beyond grumpy and hungry by the time I drag them in and out of three or four stores to get all my groceries. A babysitter seemed a good option halfway through summer break.
On this particular errand day, I got a chance to listen to a parenting podcast called, Only A Parent (June 28, 2016 Episode). They were discussing a topic I quite enjoyed called, I’m Bored. I loved their discussion and nodded in agreement as they reaffirmed what I knew. It is okay for kids to be bored. I have witnessed (after some prompting and whining) some great imaginative moments when my three kiddies (without planned playdates or friends as of yet) coming up with ways to entertain themselves.
Part of the discussion entered around the pressure parents feel to be “the entertainment” for their kids and dove into a slight side topic of social media. You know what I mean, the Facebook, twitter, Instagram and Pinterest boards where well-meaning parents post beautifully organized crafts or ideas for “How to keep your kids busy this summer.” or “10 DIY Crafts for Summer.” I am not of that ilk, I’m the mom that pushes my kids outside with bottles of water and tell them to play in the backyard so I can get something done. But, I also try to balance that with fun stuff. We go on outings, parks, beaches, hikes, I love exploring and take the kids with me.
And I post on social media, I have for years before it exploded. What I realized listening to this podcast discussion was that I may be considered one of those people who posts only the good, never the bad and ugly side of parenting. Some people would construe my social media participation as trying to depict “perfect family moments.” And, looking back over my posts, I can see their point.
Most of my social media centres around a few things; family life, where we travel, pets, flowers, food and my personal writing. I don’t tend to concentrate on the hard days, parenting or otherwise, when I’m going nuts trying to control the puppy, wash a dish and mediate a new punching game between my two eldest girls. Or the days when I give up and just let them play WiiU and watch movies so I can think for a couple of hours. Maybe I should, but honestly, why?
In truth, social media is a way for me to connect with people. Most of our family lives overseas or away and they enjoy seeing the places we visit and pictures of the kids. Grandparents don’t want to see my kids embroiled in a nasty argument with me as I patiently try to talk to an emotional ten year old and sometimes succeed and oftentimes do not. They see that when they visit. Posts about us enjoying life, well it brightens their day, or so I’ve been told.
I also like to receive and share information. A great place to take your kids, or go on a rare date night, or even finding those quiet spots to go by yourself. I love it when I connect with someone and they tell me, I went to that place too or those times a small business sends me a quick thank you for promoting their business in my small way. Really, how else are people going to be aware of what is in their communities if we don’t share the information? Social media for me is about informing and sharing. If you notice, I’m hardly in any pictures. Because most of my social media is captured by my own personal lens, how I view my tiny area of the world, that does not lend itself to being in front of the camera.
I also like to remember where I’ve been, (okay, to be honest my memory sometimes sucks and by posting where I’ve been I can recommend things to people or go back, so part of it is journal-esque in that way). I capture a special moment and record good things about a day. Life and news feeds can be really hard to read some days and heart-breaking. By putting a little more joy or happiness out there, maybe it will help someone else who is having a bad day.
I live with my feet well planted in reality and by capturing something wonderful or memorable about our simple lives it also helps to remind me that everything will be all right. It is therapeutic for me and I realized listening to the podcast that posting on social media has replaced a regular journal. Life also moves very fast, so on those busy or harder days when I want to just stand still and yell for help, I can scroll back over my posts and remember a lunch somewhere with friends, the way the waters looked at sunset and the precious smile my youngest had eating a huge ice cream. Self-serving? Perhaps, but if it also helps others in the same boat, wonderful. Win-win.
The podcast was great, it mad me dig into a topic I really didn’t think about much. How I use social media and made me stop and think about the lens I captured our life. It also reaffirmed for me, that however you use social media, it is a personal choice. I choose to share the better in life or what I hope people may find useful or interesting. I guess at the end of the day, if you do not want to see my posts, you can always unfollow although I hope you stay. But just know, the story of my life is not carved on social media.
What you see is what I’ve mindfully chosen to share because I hope it helps, informs or brightens people’s days. The rest of it, that bad and ugly part, ask me. I have war stories to tell of being in the parenting trenches and the scars to prove it. I’m happy to share those things if someone wants it. It’s just not going to ever be part of my regular social media presence and that suits me fine.
It all started with my mom asking what Mr. L wanted for his birthday. I was tapped out of ideas.
“I’m having a hard time figuring out what to get him too.” Then as per most of our conversations, I launched into something one of the kids had done that day.
After that I vaguely remember her mentioning something coming in the mail, that she had found a really cool idea for Mr. L, but she wouldn’t tell me what it was. At least I don’t thinks she did. (But since most of the time my brain only processes and retains some bits of daily conversation, I may be wrong on this point.)
A few weeks later, on a cold January morning I opened our community mailbox and found a strange, soft package addressed to him. Curious, I wanted to open it but didn’t. I hate it when people open my mail so try to respect that rule for others.
Mr. L arrived home and the package sat on his usual pile of unopened mail and during the inhaling of food, kid bedtime and typical fall asleep on the couch utterly exhausted, we both forgot about it until the weekend.
“What’s this?” Mr. L asked holding up the mystery package.
“I don’t know.” The company name wasn’t familiar, Purple Moose.
He ripped it open and smiled, it was a pair of designer socks with a Van Gogh painting imprinted on it. “This is cool. Who sent these?”
I scoured my brain unable to remember anything. Had I ordered them and forgot? We both shrugged, he wore them that night and life went on. A few weeks later, now into a new month, another package arrived. Now I knew someone was sending him socks, but who? Then I remembered the long ago conversation with my mother and everything clicked into place. For the next four months ,a new pair of socks arrived from Purple Moose. Each pair was carefully chosen by their resident sociologist who, based on initial conversations with my mom about Mr.L’s interests, job etc., picked out a pair each month and then mailed them out.
I know Mr. L enjoyed receiving the socks because around the start of every month he started rifling through the mail on his own, eagerly seeking out his new, fashionable pair of socks. He also made a point to toss aside his usual boring black and blue dress socks to find his Purple Moose Socks, constantly asking me when they would be washed. At the same time, I noticed a trend among the other men with whom we socialized. At one memorable party, I caught all the guys comparing their designer socks. For once, Mr. L was part of a new fashion trend, interesting, unique dress socks for men.
Fast forward to June. Father’s Day is fast approaching and as usual I’m desperately trying to think of ideas while doing a million other things at once. Such is the life of a parent of three or more kids this time of the year. One afternoon when my mom was over, she casually commented on Mr. L’s socks. He was wearing the first Van Gogh pair he received back in January. We find out from her that the birthday gift was for only six months of socks. After all, my mom can’t pay for his socks indefinitely. Mr. L seemed genuinely disappointed and lucky for me, I had my father’s day gift idea.
After obtaining the information from my mom, I contacted Kevin at the Purple Moose Sock Company. One of the most responsive people I have had the pleasure to chat with, he knew exactly who the customer was (Mr. L), remembered my mom, was ecstatic I wanted to continue the remote sockologist experience and helped ensure I had my Father’s Day surprise all done within a day.
At the great price of $15/month including shipping costs, what a fabulous gift idea! Especially for those of us looking to give a quality, fun and unique gift this year. Discussing socks with an experienced sockologist is a fun experience and will provide a little style for that special someone in your life for any occasion. Based out of London, Ontario, the Purple Moose Sock Company is open to the public every Saturday at the Western Fair’s Farmer’s & Artisan Market, books private sock parties and is very responsive via Twitter (@purple_moose) and Facebook (Purple Moose Sock Company). A big shout out to Kevin and Purple Moose Sock Company for helping take one more thing off this parent’s list during a very, very busy time of year.
I had a dream, of creating home made meals from scratch, learning to bake more than muffins and having an expertly designed meal plan each week. Reality check. Three kids later and on the average, this doesn’t happen. Most times I scramble, (as a lot of parents do), to make healthy, well-balanced meals. But once in awhile, I surprise even myself.
Last week, I had a craving for pasta. Not whole wheat pasta topped with tomato sauce, the tiny frozen meatballs mixed into the pot. But pasta like I used to prepare, before the kids. The kind where I tossed it with olive oil, added whatever spices I had on hand, vegetables and protein. Nothing complicated but always good. I would mix and match from different recipes I had learned over the years as I experimented in the kitchen. With a crusty bread and glass of wine, Mr. L and I would sit and enjoy each unique dish. It took him awhile to accept pasta as a main course, for him it had always been a side dish, an afterthought. But when he did, it was a staple each week.
Last week I went for it. I grabbed the remaining regular pasta, (the kind I keep on hand and mix with the whole wheat most of the time), leeks, garlic and some Italian deli meat that needed be used up and set them all out on the countertop. I coated the bottom of the pan with olive oil and caramelized the leeks. Added the garlic, fresh basil, salt and pepper. Threw in the deli meat and let it all simmer down, scraping the bottom of the pot so nothing would burn. The already cooked pasta went in next along with a cup of shredded parmesan cheese. It smelled, heavenly.
Once it was done I slid the whole pot into one of my pasta dishes, used rarely these days, and presented it to the family. They tried it. In a family of three or more kids, if at least one finishes your meal, it’s considered a success. I had two finish it, the third picked at it but ate half. Mr. L finished the whole thing off when he returned home that night from work. I loved it. For the adult dishes, I added a couple of dashes of Turkish Red Pepper, sent directly from a friend who lives overseas straight out of the Turkish spice market.
It was divine. It was like drinking a cold beer after a long hike, much needed and refreshing. I may not be the best cook or have the prettiest presentation. I will never win Pinterest awards or Instagram mentions for my everyday fare. But, I can whip together a gourmet pasta dish for my family to enjoy.
Recipe – Quick and Easy Carbonara Twist:
Half package of pasta (I find spaghetti, capellini, spaghettini works well.), Olive Oil, crushed garlic, diced leeks, Italian deli meat (I used pastrami but anything), 2-3 eggs frothed, cup of shredded parmesan cheese, salt and pepper, spice of your choice.
Directions: Boil and cook pasta al dente and set aside but try to keep warm as possible. (I strain the pasta, put it back over the pot to drip and place a lid on top. Keeps pasta moist and warm.)
Coat pot/deep pan with olive oil, add leeks. Simmer until softened. Add garlic. Cook 1-2 minutes. Add deli meat. Throw in salt and pepper. Stir in your spices of choice. Simmer ingredients scraping at bits until all the ingredients are slightly sizzling. Add warmed pasta. Add frothed eggs, toss pasta with all the ingredients in one pot and remove from heat. Cover the pot for a few minutes then add in parmesan cheese, and top with whatever other spices you want. I added the Turkish Red Pepper afterwards for the adults. Egg should be cooked and well mixed. The heat from the pasta and the ingredients will cook the eggs quickly leaving small pieces throughout. Toss together. Serve.
Let’s face it, life is busy. Not just for me, for most people I know. Especially this time of year, just go back and read any of my annual May posts. One in particular that I seem to respost each year is From Overwhelmed Parent to Grateful Parent because it holds up over time. When you have children, especially those families with three or more little darlings things get a little, let’s use the word, chaotic in the spring. For fun, throw in some additional and/or unexpected life events and crazy takes on a whole new level of meaning.
Due to my continued (albeit it not intentional) lack of regular postings, let me give you a brief recap.
As I swiftly change my hats faster than the Mad Hatter himself, I do try to slow down at times and enjoy moments of distraction. Right now basketball is a useful distraction for our whole family. It is huge in this part of the world and our whole family cheers when those Raptors sink another basket.
But the other thing I find helps is humour. Laughing at the absurdity of our crazy life is not unusual, but there are times when you realize you may be a little too distracted.
As a parent of three or more kids, I try not to take my kids grocery shopping with me. It is an ordeal, usually ending up with one kid trying to ride the shopping cart, another grabbing cookies and my voice in that special low growl that ensures their little hands are all affixed to the sides of the cart. I often forget things if they are with me. So, you would think that grocery shopping would be a leisurely outing when I am on my own. Except, well see the above. Finding leisurely grocery shopping is a thing of my not so distant past. Oh sure, it will come again, but not right now. Right now it is all about survival.
So one afternoon about a week ago, I dashed into the grocery store noting (of course) that I had forgotten my list. I tried to rely on my lacklustre memory but all that came to mind were the dishes. I hate washing dishes by hand so yes, dishwasher tabs are a must. Even in my harried state, I always try to spot that special yellow or red tag that screams, “Sale! Buy me!” When I raced down the aisle, threw other random items into my cart, I spotted the “Sale!” tag near the dishwasher tab section and grabbed an unfamiliar brand. “Oh well, it’s on sale.” I thought to myself. “It’s probably fine.”
Thinking nothing of it, I walked over to the cashier, paid and went home.
In our house, we keep our dishwasher tabs in a dark corner of the cupboard under the kitchen sink. We have to reach beyond the nearly full compost bin and grab the tabs from the bag or bucket each night.
After I arrived home, I threw the bag into the cupboard and went on my merry way.
It happened the first night. The dishes were still disgusting after the final wash cycle.
“What’s this?” Mr. L asked and held up a grungy glass.
“Hmm.not sure maybe the setting was on a quick wash. Run it again.”
We do that, over and over. The next load was a little cleaner but there were less dishes. We had spent a lot of time eating out over the weekend.
Sunday night. The dishes were supposed to be clean, after all it worked once, but they were still sort of grungy. “Maybe it’s the new dishwasher tabs, I got a new brand. Just use it and I’ll get a new one next time I’m at the store.”
I left Monday night for a mini trip to take pictures of our new rural digs and to order furniture. I arrived home Tuesday and my elder daughter, Elizabeth was unloading the dishwasher.
“Ewww.these are still dirty.” She shoved her small hands into the the large, yellow gloves not wanting to touch the clean/dirty dishes.
“Just leave the dirty ones.” I told her, tired and worn out after a very busy forty-eight hours.
Mr. L peeked at the dishes as well, and then at the unusually dirty dishwasher. “I hope it’s not the dishwasher.”
Remember, we are moving in six weeks.
Wednesday morning arrives. We tried to wash another load and this time, Audrey, the younger daughter was unloading the dishes.
“These feel gross.” She holds out a dirty knife like it was covered in something disgusting. I stood to the side, continued to cut up vegetables for their lunches, tried to organize my day in my head, fed the dog and threw in some laundry.
“Just leave it. I’ll hand wash them.”
Later that day, when I finally got around to hand washing the dirty/clean dishes, I realized they were dirty, really dirty. The dishwasher soap in those little plastic tabs must be really bad. No wonder they were on sale. I managed to get out to the grocery store in the afternoon and picked up my regular brand. I was very happy, my regular expensive brand was on sale, score!
I got home, pulled out the not great dishwasher tabs from deep within the cupboard, and was ready to trash them when I actually stopped to read the bag.
Laundry Detergent. 99% natural ingredients. No perfumes.
I bought laundry detergent tabs and have been using them in my dishwasher.
This my friends is the epitome of distraction and life’s wry sense of humour. Just when you pat yourself on the back on how well you are handling the chaos of life, you realize you not only bought laundry detergent instead of dishwasher detergent, but have been using it for the last six days.
Well, at least my kids will have no internal stains and the product was the most natural on the market.
Parents of three or more kids, find the humour. When life seems out of control, busy as hell just remember, at least you didn’t wash your dishes with laundry detergent today.
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